School of Twistcraft and Smashzardry




"The ichi-nens, Professor Mcgonazaki."


"Thank you, Kabagrid. I will take them from here."


"USU"

"Now, meeting time!!"

"The start-of-term tournament will begin shortly, but before you take your seats in the Great Court, you will be sorted into your team-houses. The Sorting is a very important ceremony because, while you are here, your team-house will be something like your family within PoTwarts (and now that gay marriage is legal in several countries, maybe outside, too, in the future). You will have matches with the rest of your team-house, sleep in your team-house dormitory and spend free time in your team-house club room"

"The four team-houses are called Seishundor, Hufflekkaku, Ravenkai Fuzoku and Hyouteitherin. Each team-house has its own noble history and each has produced outstanding Tennitch players. While you are at PoTwarts, your triumphs will earn your team-house points, while any rule-breaking will lose you points or make a fault. At the end of the year, the team-house with the most match-points is awarded the Team-House Cup, a great honour. I hope each of you will be an asset to whichever team-house becomes yours. Now form a line and follow me..."






"Welcome to another year at PoTwarts."


"Ahem - just a few words now that I am comfortably sat and watered. I have a few start-of-term notices to give you"

"Ichi-nens should note that the courts in the forest beyond the grounds are forbidden to all players. And a few of our older students would do well to remember that as well."

"I have also been asked by our caretaker to remind you all that no Tennitch should be played between classes in the corridors."

"Tennitch trials will be held in the second week of term. Anyone interested in playing for their team-house regular team should contact their captain."

"And finally, I must tell you that this year, the third-floor corridor on the right-hand side has been turned into a press room, and it is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to be harrassed by Hanarita Skeetemura and suffer to become her guinea pig."

"And now, before we go to bed, let us sing the school theme song!"


Ah me wo tojite yubisaki de sukitooru kaze kanjite
Oh dare mo minna katachi naki omoi no uta wo kakaeteru

You got gay?
Donna speed no naka mo
Toki ha kawaranai rhythm wo kizande
Drive my heart!
Bokura nando demo habatakeru
Aoi sora ni koko ni aru




THE STAFF



"You are here to learn the subtle science and exact art of juice-making."
"As there is little foolish racket-waving here, many of you will hardly believe this is good for Tennitch. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering phials with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses, and making every player who falls behind retch in pain...I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper defeat - if you aren't as big a bunch of sasabeheads as I usually have to teach."


"Me. Gilderato Lockhart, Order of Sampras, Third Class, Honourary Member of the Change Force Defence League and five times winner of Tennitch Weekly Most-Charming-Smile Award - but I don't talk about that. I didn't get rid of the McEnroe Banshee by smiling at him! I will teach you how to change over to confound your enemies."


"Nfu. Welcome. How nice to see you in all your physical glory at last. Sit, my children, sit. Welcome to Scenario Divination.You may not have seen me before, but I always make sure of descending every day into the hustle and bustle of the main school to see what you are all up to. I must warn you at the outset that if you do not have the Weak-point Sight, there is very little I will be able to teach you. Regular training and improvisation can take you only so far in the court..."




THE STUDENTS



"Uisu. My name is Harryoma PoTter. I am the Prince of PoTwarts."


"And these are my best friends, Fujione and Ronta."



"Even if they don't want to admit it, specially Ronta, there is an incredible amount of UST between them."


"Ronta has a big family. These are his parents and his siblings: "


"They say she has a crush on me, but I'd say she has a stronger Elektra complex..."




"Now, these are some schoolmates"


"Poor boy. Nevitsuki never understands a thing so he has to ask all day long. One day he got smashed up into the sky and after he ended up hanging from a wall by a hook, he could just ask 'NANDEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE'. Fujione tries to help him improve, but her Tennitch is too complicated for him so he just asks again and again."



"And these are Colintaro and Dannis. They are always running after me with their silly, loud voices. I cannot escape from them: "




"Don't you hate fanboys. I do!"


"Chokimura and Sanadric. People believe I have a crush on her, but in fact it is him I want:"




"The following are really snobbish and sly."
"She is always making fun of Ronta's pet, which pisses both off, specially his pet."
"He pretends to be my enemy, but actually he only wants to get in my pants."


"His father is a Dust-Biter, and I bet he will become just like him"



"These are my father and his friends. They used to give that loser a hard time when they were younger..."



"Before this man betrayed them..."


"Before his master destroyed their friendship and their trust. He tried to kill my father, but he could only send him to Germany."
"And then he tried to destroy me, but failed miserably."

"Now he has been given the sack and has disappeared from the Tennitch scene."

"But I know he is lurking around, plotting to catch me off-guard to wipe me out."


"That is why there exists a special training group called the Order of the Tsubame, prepared to counter-attack the enemy at all costs. These are some of its members:"





GUEST SCHOOLS


"This year we count with the presence of two guest tennitch schools. Their delegations have been accommodated around the castle and in the lake."


"We have Jouxeitons, with her headmistress and her star student, who has already caused a sensation in PoTwarts, as well as in graduated students like a certain Weasley..."



"And we have Fudomstrang, an austere, gray Tennitch school with only one remarkable student:"

"His best move is the Wrongski Faint."
"He pretends he is about to faint, and then takes the chance of his rivals kind concern to hit the ball and score."




CREATURES


"In PoTwarts, we have a resident Poltergeist. It can be bothersome, but I now know how to deal with him."


"And since we are allowed to have pets, I have Draco...err...a feathery tennitch bOWL."

"Anyway, my friends do have nice pets, and I am particularly fond of Fujione's cat:"

"Awwwww, Karukshanks..."


"Ronta's not that bad, either, but it's a bit clingy and noisy and too dependent."

"Needless to say, Molly loves him. If it were not for her attentions..."
"Also, Fujione seems to like him a lot."


"I have to watch out for Voldemort's pet. It is a vicious snake."

"However, as long as Karukshanks is with me, he won't dare touch me."
"He'll go for the cat instead. That's his weakness..."


"As for me, I also have a house elf with two years experience, who always tries to help me by explaining useless things."

"He only manages to make my life more miserable. But I cannot get rid of him. Madamadadane."




TENNITCH


"...is what gives meaning to our life in PoTwarts. We have several courts distributed all over the grounds."

"This is our main court area, near the lake:"



"The Giant Squid is a big asset, because he helps us pick up the balls that fall into the water."


"We are told not to go to play to the Forbidden Courts which are beyond the forest that surrounds the castle. Those courts are full of dangerous perverts, everyone knows that. I once went with my friends and we had to deal with a full family of sickos by the name of Sasabe. However, I must say that I'd rather face them a hundred times, than get lost again and end up in the new press-room area of school...that woman IS scary!"

"'Don't believe all the old fool says, my dears. Come to me and become my masterpieces.', she said once to us."


"And I know of several students who went to her, never to return..."

"...as they were."

"So I hope you have learnt where NOT to play."

"Nevertheless, don't think you'll be safe anywhere else. Sometimes we play in the castle playground courts until late at night, and there have been nights in which we have received unpleasant visits..."




"In conclusion, and in spite of the random mishappenings and the dangers involved in our daily routine, I can safely say it is all fun and games here in PoTwarts. Nah, Kabagrid?"
"USU."
"Peeves?"
"Ain't this the best?"
"Exactly. So from now on, like my father used to say: yudan sezu ni ikou!"



(C) Leviosa

Disclaimer: "Harry Potter" and other names from the Harry Potter book series are trademarks of J.K. Rowling and the Time/Warner Entertainment Company, L.P.